Not Fine
by AtTheEndOfAllThings
Summary: Merry and Estella have been friends all throughout their lives. The idea that they might be something more has crossed both of their minds. Now that Merry is leaving, what will he do if he isn't allowed to tell his best friend. Special thanks to Hobbit Freak for Beta Reading. Suggestions and/or Requests will be considered. Please Review and Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Estella wandered around Buckland searching for her friend. She looked back and forth through the busy road, yet no sign of Merry. She had been wandering for far too long and had almost given up all hope when a voice called from behind her. "Oi! Es'!" He yelled. Estella quickly turned around grinning wildly at the sight of her best friend.

"Hey you!" She yelled running up to him, pushing passed the passersby and bystanders as she went. "It's very good to see you!" She said hugging him lightly.

"I'm so glad you could make it! I was beginning to worry you weren't coming," he told her.

"As was I, but here you are!" Estella was very cheery, getting Merry's letter that he wanted to meet made her very happy. She had been worried about him for quite some time. All the sudden he had stopped visiting for her, but seemed to always want to talk to her brother Fred, which upset her quite a bit. Fred had always been the one declared as Merry's friend, but Merry and Estella had always been good friends. Always willing to get the other in trouble, and always trying their hardest to get them out of it. She longed to talk to her friend again.

Merry led her away from the crowd of hobbits and into the familiar woods, the place where it seemed to Estella that she grown up and spent all her childhood. When she thought back on the early days, the easy days, all she could think of we're the times she spent with Merry and Pippin. Merry and Pip's arguing which always ended up with her defending him; that leading up to a very upset Merry, which always ended up in an apology. All of which was long forgotten the next day where it happened all over again, that along with the pushing into messy things, climbing up trees, and exploring unto unknown places. Estella always had fond memories of the woods.

Merry watched her as they walked, she was pulling up her emerald green skirt to avoid the mud, but nearly tripped over a tree root. Merry quickly reached out and caught her, laughing at her clumsiness. She righted herself, and pushed him off playfully for laughing at her. She grabbed at her skirt, stomping her foot before continuing on her way. Her long brown curls bouncing all about her back.

Merry ran to catch up with her. She looked up at him expectantly. Merry seemed for once in a long while, rather happy. He smiled at her persistency.

"Pippin says hullo," he told her casually, avoiding the subject. Estella smiled.

"Oh! Tell him I said hullo back, would you? How is he?" She asked.

"Oh, of course. He is doing very well, we've both been very busy though," he said rather awkwardly.

"Hm, with what?" She asked, stopping to turn and look at him. Worry struck her as she saw that he was hiding something, she knew he was up to no good.

"Well, Pippin and I are getting ready to leave and," he said.

"Leave!" She interrupted, "Where are you going off to this time?"

"Calm down Es', I'll be back in a couple days. Pip and I are going to help Frodo pack and bring up his things. Of course it is his birthday coming up as well," he tried to act casual, but Estella still felt like there was something missing. She stared into his face, trying to make him break, but he wouldn't. Merry looked down, shifting his feet awkwardly.

"Fine, keep your secrets if you must. But I know you are up to something," She walked backwards away from him into the woods, smiling playfully.

"Essie, wait," he called, running up to her. She turned around to see where she was going and ran off, leaving Merry to run after. Which of course he did.

"Ah!" Estella yelled, realizing Merry was now right behind her.

"Come on Es' get back here!" He called breathlessly from behind.

"Nope," Estella retorted. As their chase went on, Merry found himself unable to go any further, and decided to come up with a different plan. He stopped in his tracks, crossing his arms across his chest. Estella turned back and stopped, looking at him curiously. "What are you doing?" She asked.

Merry smiled, "You win." Estella walked up to him with a confused expression.

"What are you up to Brandybuck?" She asked with a witty smile. Merry laughed, confusing the lass to much more extent.

"Oh, wait. You lose," before Estella had a moment to respond, he pounced. Dragging them both to the ground, Merry laughed triumphantly. Estella was less excited.

"Argh!" She shouted while beating him on the chest, "Merry, you have all but ruined me dress!" Merry looked down at her, trying very hard to not laugh. He knew it would only upset her further. "Gerroff me Merry," she growled. Merry allowed her to sit up, but could barely control himself as she glared at him.  
He fell over, clutching his sides, laughing. "It. Isn't. Funny," she said while smacking his arm. Yet, his laughing persisted. Estella finally giving in, laughed along with him, looking down at her muddy dress; thinking of all that her mother would say.

Merry finally got over himself, and sat up. Both of them silent for a short moment. "Merry?" She asked quietly.

"Ya?" He stared at her carefully, worrying what she would ask.

"Do you love me?" She asked.

"Yes," he responded sincerely, knowing she was talking about them as friends and nothing else.

"Then why are you lying to me? Don't you know you can trust me?" She asked her amber eyes now glossed over.

"Essie, there are some things I just can't tell you, for your safety only." Merry told her.

"So you are up to something? Something dangerous? Oh Merry, have you gotten yourself in any sort of trouble?" She whispered in a frightful tone.

"No," he said shaking his head for emphasis, "No Es, I put myself into all of it willingly, and I can leave at anytime. Don't worry about me Es." Estella knitted her eyebrows, before nodding, still very unsure.

"Okay, Merry."

Merry gave her his cloak as they walked through town, to cover her muddy walked slowly back, trying to get every bit of daylight left, before they parted ways. Estella thought about Merry the rest of the way home, still worried he was in some sort of trouble.


	2. Chapter 2

Merry rode sleepily on his pony down the long dark road. Peering out ahead through the mist. He grew hungry and tired. He was, for once in a long while, relieved. He no longer would be keeping his secret from Frodo. No longer watching his words, they would tell him tonight. Tomorrow everything would be different, and with his newfound relief came worry. The worry of leaving everything good and safe behind. Going off into unknown places was something Merry had done all his life, but leaving and not returning, well it didn't sound like his cup of tea. At least he would have his friends, thought Merry hopefully, Pippin and Frodo. Sam wasn't too bad of a chap either.

He knew he had to beat Frodo, Pippin, and Sam home, but he still had much to think about.

There was still so much he was leaving behind. He thought of everything he owned in this world. All of his belonging meant nothing to him, worthless. All he every had were his memories to hold on to. A thought crossed his mind, one that came very often during the past few weeks, once Merry was gone would anybody miss him? Would anybody even notice he had disappeared? He wished that there was something he couldn't live without, a reason to stay. Or at least a reason to come back. Someone who would miss him, or worry for his safety.

He rode gloomily for a long while. His pony trotted and huffed, tired from a long day. Autumn leaves blew across the road and the wind hissed. He found himself upon a very familiar hobbit hole. Not Frodo's, it was the Bolger's. Merry wondered if she would miss him, if she would notice his absence. They'd known each other all throughout their lives... but would she care even then? Hobbits were so bizarre to Merry in that way. Each one finds the means to just move on with their lives as if the wanderer never existed. Not worrying about anyone but themselves. Very few Hobbits were not completely selfish in this way, cared more for what went on beyond the borders of the Shire. Merry had always hoped she was one of them.

Merry halted his pony, and sat quietly in the cold dark night, just listening and thinking in the silence. It was hard to see much of anything back from where he had come through the onsetting fog. However, faintly, Merry could hear hooves. He felt as if the world, his world, was slowly closing in on him. The black rider was far off, but coming this way. He could come to this house. That was what Merry seemed to fear the most. Leaving her alone, unprotected. If there could be one thing to keep him back, to not go. If there was one thing he couldn't leave, it would be her.

His mind began to fill with terrible thoughts. His home being overrun by black riders, this ominous creature that seemed so inhuman even from just a shadow, and he not be there to defend it. Keep it safe, keep her safe. She had been the only one who never judged, only cared, was always there. He was going to leave tomorrow, he feared of what would come of her - of it all, before he returned, if he ever did. He had a hard time thinking he would never see her again.

He found himself no longer on his pony, but walking up the familiar path to her home. He pulled the scarf away from his face. In the darkness all he could make out was the round orange door. The lantern outside shown on it softly, making it appear gold. Merry knew by the light inside, that he saw through the window, always meant she was awake. He hoped her father wouldn't be home so he could talk to her seriously. He knocked slowly.

"Oh," he heard her complain, followed by footsteps approaching the other side of the door. Her forever familiar face arose from behind it. At the sight of Merry, her once annoyed face turned quickly into a very happy one. Under the lanterns light, her brown curly hair bounced around her face and down her back. Her bright amber eyes glistened and twinkled. She appeared tired, but smiled at Merry's presence.

"Merry!" Estella exclaimed in a whisper. Merry smiled happily, she was always so excited to see him.

"Essie," he replied, "I'm sorry to call at this hour but-"

"Nonsense," she cut in, "Please come in Merry, I'll put on the kettle." She opened her door wider, welcoming him in.

"Estella, I'm sorry, but I really must be returning home, I can't stay long. I needed to tell you about something and I really need your help." Estella's face saddened.

"Well come in still, even if it is only for a moment. Your tone worries me Merry," she said sincerely, studying him up and down, "My parents aren't home if that's what your worried about, anyways, Fatty told me to not be out after late hours, due to bothersome things," she said sternly, as if she knew he would do as she said. Merry stepped inside, a wave of relief rushed over him as he remembered her brother. He hoped very much that her brother would watch over her, he knew Fatty enough to know he would try.

Merry always felt very comfortable at the Bolger's hobbit hole, when Estella was their anyways. She poured him a cup of tea, even though he refused. She insisted, simply stating that he had been out in the cold far too long.

"So what is it?" she asked, "That you need me to do for you?" Merry thought carefully before he spoke, he didn't want to say anything he shouldn't. He doubted Fatty told Estella about any of there plans.

He swallowed hard, "Well, it is a bit complicated, you see..." he broke off, unable to think of the right words.

"Your stalling," she waited impatiently for him to speak, sitting now at the end of her seat. "Is this about Frodo's ring?" She asked jumping up a little in her seat excitedly. Merry sat there staring at his friend for a long while. He looked at her, eyes wide. He felt betrayed, he thought he could trust Fatty.

"Wha-," he couldn't find words he was so shocked. Estella turned her gaze away from him impatiently, she knitted her eyebrows and stared into the fire thinking, hoping Merry would speak. After a long silence, when he hadn't spoken, she began.

"Now, I can't make much sense of it, I know it's dangerous of course. And it is a great secret, so don't worry, it's safe with me," Merry relaxed in his chair a little, but the fact she knew was still so unsettling, "Fatty said Frodo must leave, he isn't really moving to Crickhollow is he Merry?" She asked at length.

"I- I," Merry tried, shaking his head, "So Fatty, he told you this?" Estella laughed, shaking her head.

"Goodness no, he would never. He wouldn't trust me for a minute, maybe he is right for it. My brother talks in his sleep, and one night he fell asleep after supper, and was talking about what I thought to be utter gibberish. Until I noticed him talking to you, Frodo, and Pippin all the time, sneaking around, thinking carefully before he spoke. Like you seem to be doing tonight. I started to wonder. I had almost forgotten until we met the other day," she told him eagerly.

"Es, listen, knowing the things you do is very dangerous, I wish you hadn't heard those things. It's why I couldn't tell you, and I can't tell you anymore than what you know already, it's too dangerous. I came to warn you about anyone who comes and asks for Frodo, I need you to cover for us, tell them he-he... that he..." Merry was at a loss for words. He didn't want her to be involved anymore that she had gotten herself involved already.

Estella smiled at him softly, "Merry don't worry about me okay? I'll be fine, I promise. Anyway..." Merry wished he could believe her, that she'd be okay, but somehow he felt she wouldn't. And not even Fatty could protect her.

"What?" he asked a little startled.

"What? Meriadoc Brandybuck, is that you must be getting home," she said cheerfully. Merry flinched at the use of his real name, he had gotten to a point where he thought nobody had remembered his name was anything but Merry.

"Right," said Merry remembering. He stood up slowly, and Estella rose to walk him to the door. "Es, there are these men... Big Folk. They have been asking for a Baggins all around the Shire. They are cloaked in black, I just-"

"Okay," she said simply. Merry wished everything could be so simple for him, but it wasn't. Every bad thing turned into a hundred more in his head. Nothing was simple.

"Okay," he replied, "Oh, Fatty will be at Frodo's this evening, as will I. In case you were wondering where he was."

"Merry," she pleaded. Merry smiled. "Right," he said finally stepping outside, "see you soon," he lied desperately. She smiled and shut the door. _See you soon_, something inside Merry told him that he wouldn't see Estella again for a long time.


End file.
